Love is a temporary madness...

“Love is a temporary madness, it erupts like volcanoes and then subsides.  And when it subsides, you have to make a decision.  You have to work out whether your roots have so entwined together that it is inconceivable that you should ever part...  - Captain Corelli’s Mandolin, Louis de Bernieres 
       I wrote this quote down over a decade ago when I read Bernieres novel for a bookgroup.  The excerpt resonates with my theory that in some respects, love is a choice. Well, it isn’t exactly my theory but it’s a concept I endorse.  
       Maybe we do fall in love but staying in love is a matter of commitment once the excitement wears off or once we realize the person we love is no more perfect than we are.  When reality sinks in is exactly the time where we need to choose love.  So, yes, it’s one of my favorite quotes on love, and, with two daughters in the middle of the temporary madness of early love, I think it’s a good verse to share. 
       “Because this is what love is.  Love is not breathlessness, it is not excitement, it is not the promulgation of promises of eternal passion, it is not the desire to mate every second minute of the day, it is not lying awake at night imagining that he is kissing every cranny of your body.  No, don’t blush, I am telling you some truths.  That is just being “in love,” which any fool can do.  Love itself is what is left over when being in love has burned away, and this is both an art and a fortunate accident.” - Captain Corelli’s Mandolin, Louis de Bernieres   

This just in...

     Wow! That Korey Nelson knows how to surprise a girl! 

     Paige and Korey are officially engaged (and we adore Korey and are excited about their big announcement)!  

     One of my favorite things about the proposal is how Korey pulled things off, keeping Paige in lots of suspense.  First, unbeknownst to Paige, Korey flew up a few weeks ago and told Brent and I of his intentions (to which we happily gave our blessing).  Then Korey returned to Huntington Beach early the next morning and Paige was none the wiser.  As far as she knew he’d worked late, studied and called it a night.  Hopefully Brent and I have now proved to Korey that we are able to keep secrets!  

     Then, Korey and Paige went to San Diego yesterday which is always a highlight destination for Paige since she was born there and spent her first four years in La Jolla.  Paige thought this trip to her roots might be a good place for a proposal but Korey had convinced her that he still needed to make arrangements to get parental approval.  So, Paige just assumed they’d spend the day hiking at Torrey Pines State Reserve and visiting old haunts in La Jolla. 
     But, after a fun day, Korey surprised Paige with a fancy dinner at the Hotel del Coronado followed by.......Korey asking Paige to marry him! Which, due to his finesse and cleverness (okay, trickery), took her completely by surprise!  

     Paige (of course) said YES!  So, now the fun begins; a wedding to plan, and better than that, a marriage of two great people in love and who are kind and good to each other.  We think they’re a wonderful couple!  Congrats Korey & Paige!  

A Line of Thought...

Lines by Martha Collins

Draw a line. Write a line. There.

Stay in line, hold the line, a glance

between the lines is fine but don’t

turn corners, cross, cut in, go over

or out, between two points of no

return’s a line of flight, between

two points of view’s a line of vision.

But a line of thought is rarely

straight, an open line’s no party

line, however fine you point.

A line of fire communicates, but drop

your weapons and drop your line,

consider the shortest distance from x,

to y, let x be me, let y be you.

love is more thicker than forget...

love is more thicker than forget

by e.e. cummings

love is more thicker than forget

more thinner than recall

more seldom than a wave is wet

more frequent than to fail

it is more mad and moonly

and less it shall unbe

than all the sea which only

is deeper than the sea

love is less always than to win

less never than alive

less bigger than the least begin

less littler than forgive

it is most sane and sunly

and more it cannot die

than all the sky which only

is higher than the sky

Valentines greetings and love to all!

Monitoring the Heart...

"To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken.

If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket - safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change.

It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable."

-C.S. Lewis

Another powerful C. S. Lewis quote. Opening our hearts to love definitely makes us vulnerable. But it still sounds better than the alternative to me.

30 Years of Happiness...

“Reader, I married him.” -Charlotte Bronte, Jane Eyre

As someone who has been married for 30 years, I should be granted some authority to give advice on what to look for in a mate. Now that I’m an expert! (Ha!)

Although, it turns out that the McDonald’s Happy Meal celebrated it’s 30th anniversary in 2009, so the history of the Happy Meal predates our marriage for whatever that may be worth. The Golden Arches trivia will bug Paige since she’s been boycotting Mickey D’s for the last ten years or so. Anyway, moving right along... relative to marriage...

Research proves that you will be significantly happier in your marriage if your spouse is:

1. Agreeable,

2. Conscientious, and

3. Emotionally Stable

Those traits might seem pretty basic but I’ll vouch that those are pretty important things to look for in a companion. On the converse, if someone is a grouch, self-centered and irresponsible, they’re not likely a good spousal candidate.

Brent fits the bill for all three good attributes. He’s not exactly easy going (in fact some might call him intense) but he is generally agreeable. And he is very conscientious and also emotionally stable.

It’s actually hard to go wrong in marriage with a partner who is generally pleasant, fairly even-tempered and reasonably responsible. However, in order for a marriage to actually work with someone who has these qualities, there is still one catch.

The catch is, I need to have the agreeable/conscientious/emotionally stable qualities too! Therein lies the tricky part!

Grow Old With Me....

"Grow old with me, the best is yet to be." -Robert Browning

You've got to love a guy who can fall fast asleep during a lively Hawaiian Luau! That takes special talent!

During earlier years of marriage I’d get embarrassed when Brent's sleep anywhere/anytime skills were displayed at church, movies, etc. But lately it's become sort of endearing and definitely bothers me less (note my expression in photo is more amused that annoyed - which is major progress for me!). It turns out this narcolepsy-like ability can work in his favor sometimes (like when he takes red-eye flights or needs a quick nap).

Plus, heaven knows I've got plenty of annoying traits that Brent has to put up with. But no need to disclose those here.

Maybe one of the best parts of being an old married couple ("old" referring to our ages as well as the length of our marriage) is the comfort I find in predictability.

I can usually surmise Brent's reactions before he acts and I'm fairly accurate. I know what pushes his buttons. I know what makes him laugh. I know what inspires him.

So, here we are at 30 years of marriage, and still committed to the idea that it’s the best institution for teamwork and self improvement and, of course, the best way to raise a family. And while we can drive each other crazy at times we certainly drive and motivate each other to be our best selves too.

Happy 30th Anniversary to Brent! Love you lots!

"A sucessful marriage requires falling in love many times - always with the same person." -Mignon McLaughlin

Saint Valentine on Campus...

Here's a roundabout Valentine's story from my college years. After transferring from BYU to the University of Utah I ran into my high school girlfriend, Crystal, at the library. In updating each other I noted a few dates I'd been on with a Sigma Chi named Brent.

"Brent Knudsen," Crystal laughed. "You two are perfect for each other." And then she explained why and what was so funny.

Crystal recalled passing Brent the previous Valentines day on campus. Brent stopped her, excitedly opened his backpack filled with Valentines, scribbled a note to Crystal and handed it off.

Crystal claims she honestly remembered thinking "that is exactly the kind of quirky thing my friend, Kathryn, would do!" So Crystal believes she had the "two peas in a pod" pegged before we ever knew one another existed!

When Crystal shared her clairvoyant tale I quibbled that she was both wrong and right. While it IS true that I'm always up for commemorating any/all occasions, my celebratory ways are not quite so public. In other words, I might mail you a Valentine but I'm not bold enough to impersonate Saint Valentine walking across campus handing out cards (just to be clear!).

Crystal's Valentine exchange with Brent and her noting our similarities is something I've thought about over the years. Because while Crystal dubbed Brent as the "guy version" of me, she was only accurate on a few levels. Turns out we've got similarities but we're pretty different too. Which happily has worked out just fine! So, here's a limerick for my Valentine, and apparently, sometimes, my twin:

There once was a Saint named Brent,

And Valentines the guy always sent.

Then my good friend she declared,

"Though you're both somewhat impaired,

For each other you surely were meant!" -K2

*(the photo isn't great but validates my argument that Brent's more gregarious. Here he is trying to haul his reluctant wife to the dance floor!)

5 Love Languages...

"We cannot rely on our native tongue if our spouse does not understand it. If we want them to feel the love we are trying to communicate, we must express it in his or her primary love language." -Gary Chapman

For Relief Society Enrichment we had presentations on the 5 Love Languages, a concept developed by Gary Chapman, Ph.D.

Chapman believes that most of us use 1 of 5 ways to express emotional love. While each "love language" is used by many people he believes that most people speak 1 primary language of the 5 and as we understand which language someone else may speak, it helps us understand them better (our spouse, our children, our friends or extended family).

We had 5 top notch women explain the 5 languages (summarized below):

1. Words of Affirmation

Pam Calvert talked about how powerful words are and what a difference it can make when we use positive words. People really respond to compliments, especially sincere ones.

2. Quality Time

Tia talked about investing in a relationship by our attention, refusing to interrupt or give advise (just listening). One of the natural (and wonderful) by-products of quality activities is that they provide a memory bank from which to draw in the years ahead.

3. Receiving Gifts

Julie Moore talked about gifts. Gifts don't need to be expensive but meaningful. Thoughtful things given can be a symbolic representation of our love.

4. Acts of Service

Pat Tate talked about love being a verb; serving others by lifting burdens or rescuing them. Service might involve doing things for your spouse (or whomever) that you know they'd like, especially when it isn't our favorite thing to do.

5. Physical Touch.

Julie Holland talked about physical touch and how small and simple things can make or break a relationship. She shared ideas for the importance of physical touch with children, teenagers, friends and spouses.

It was another Jamie Walton inspired production which is code for a 5 Star Enrichment Evening. Jamie is so gifted in the fine art of displays and decor, she makes it look easy. But I'm not fooled, I know how much effort is usually involved just to make things look easy! It was a "lovely" evening, with lots of food for thought and real food/treats to enjoy!

If You Can Let Go...

The Autumn Sonnets

If I can let you go as trees let go

Their leaves, so casually, one by one,

If I can come to know what they do know

That fall is the release, the consummation,

Then fear of time and the uncertain fruit

Would not distemper the great lucid skies

This strangest autumn, mellow and acute.

If I can take the dark with open eyes

And call it seasonal, not harsh or strange

(For love itself may need a time of sleep),

And treelike, stand unmoved before the change,

Lose what I lose to keep what I can keep,

The strong root still alive under the snow,

Love will endure - - if I can let you go. -May Sarton

This poem can apply to many things: relationships, children, situations, etc. It is almost always in 'letting go' that the deeper and more authentic love is allowed to show it's true face.

"The Autumn Sonnets" is just another cool poem in my collection of "favorites." One reason I like it is because of the variety of ways it could be meaningful to someone. The need to 'let go' is pretty universal albeit in different forms. I also think May Sarton was a talented poet, kind of a forerunner to Mary Oliver, and she probably never got the recognition for her writing that she deserved.

Debunking Happily Ever After...

"It is only possible to live happily ever after on a day-to-day basis." -Margaret Bonnano

I like the quote above because big climactic "happy endings" are mostly found only in fairy tales. But we can still choose to celebrate all the little happy endings along the way.

Wednesday night the theme for the Los Gatos Ward YW in Excellence program was "Your Happily Ever After." Since Brent was asked to give comments I was the annoying wife reminding him not to present the Princess riding off into the sunset with Prince Charming version of blissful happiness! The unrealistic version, that is!

Clearly too many girls have impossible expectations of marriage. Some don't think beyond their lavish weddings! Others (or maybe the same ones) demand perfection in a spouse while forgetting their own flaws.

So Bishop Knudsen did a nice job with his remarks; he probably didn't even need my commentary (but I'm afraid that's something he's stuck with). And seriously, while I never recommend lowering expectations relative to standards, I think being realistic versus head in the clouds about marriage keeps people grounded on what to expect from a spouse. Certainly not someone who will solve all your problems or make you happy 24/7 (that's your own job)!

"It struck me that the movies had spent more than half a century saying, "They lived happily ever after" and the following quarter-century warning that they'll be lucky to make it through the weekend. Possibly now we are entering a third era in which the movies will be sounding a note of cautious optimism: You know it just might work. -Nora Ephron

Going to the Chapel....

Actually, Karren and Bruce are "Going to the Temple, and they're gonna get ma...aa...ar...ried!" And Karen's buddy, Andie, gives it the thumbs up! Great couple!

Last night we showered the Bride at a party hosted by Kathy Pulley and Andie (w/a little help from me).

Once Karren was engaged, she wasted no time to Save the Date! I think their wedding this Saturday is just 8 weeks after their engagement! Like the Nora Ephron line from the movie When Harry Met Sally: "When you realize you want to spend the rest of your life with somebody, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible."

As an almost 30 year veteran of the institution of marriage you would think I'd have profound advice to pass along to engaged couples. But, when all is said and done, every single couple has their own unique marital adventure! So, here's to Bruce & Karren's Excellent Adventure (starring Mr. & Mrs. Christensen, beginning 10-09-10)!

"Love one another and you will be happy. It's as simple and as difficult as that." -Michael Leunig

The Life That I Have...

"The life that I have

Is all that I have

And the life that I have

Is yours

The love that I have

Of the life that I have

Is yours and yours and yours

A sleep I shall have

A rest I shall have

Yet death will be but a pause

For the peace of my years

In the long green grass

Will be yours and yours

and yours." -Leo Marks

I love this poem. And, I had completely forgotten about it. I believe I first read it when my poetry class at the U focused a unit completely on love poetry.

Then I was reading about Chelsea Clinton's wedding last weekend and saw that the bride and groom read it as part of the ceremony. Cool! It's an awesome poem!

Leo Marks, an English cryptographer, composed the poem on Christmas Eve in 1943. It is said that Marks wrote it in memory of a girlfriend, Ruth, who was killed in a plane crash in Canada.

The Cutest Cupid!

Rose are Red, Violets are Blue.

Noah and I send Valentines Greetings to You!

I think Noah Touchet makes an adorable Cupid!

Even though some people complain that Valentine's Day is a Hallmark holiday imposing us to dutifully give out cards, chocolates and flowers, I happen to like all holidays. Any cause for celebration!

John Bryan told me that in Japan the Valentines tradition is for women to give chocolates to men. What's up with that?

Erich Fromm believed that "Love is the only sane and satisfactory answer to the problem of human existence."

I remember Valentines Day was pretty fun in elementary school. Decorating (or transforming) a cardboard box into a worthy receptacle for cards was homework no one complained about! Then, the mystery of what it meant if a boy signed the card with "Love" instead of "From." That could lead to all kinds of interpretation. Finally, the best cards came with candy! Ah, good memories!

When it comes to a holiday extolling the virtue of love, I have to include one of my favorite quotes from Ursula K. Le Guin: "Love doesn't just sit there, like a stone; it has to be made, like bread, remade all the time, made new." There is wisdom and truth in that thought!

"The Queen of Romania!" or "That's Life!"

"Oh, Life is a Glorious Cycle of Song,

A Medley of Extemporanea;

And Love is a Thing That Can Never Go Wrong,

And I am the Queen of Romania!"

-Dorothy Parker

This is an great poem! The sarcasm is pure Dorothy Parker. I need to require all of my kids to commit this to memory! I know I get a little obsessed with poems but this is a classic and it's easy to learn and recite!

Even though the poem is intentionally caustic and a little bitter; it has an important message. No one has a life that is an ongoing glorious cycle of joy and everyone has troubles with love (whether it be plutonic, romantic, familial, etc). Opening your heart to love others is instant vulnerability! Somewhere along the line, love of one sort or another is going to come back and bite you/hurt you! Guess this explains Pagie's Tshirt that reads: "Love is a Battlefield!"

In a few clever lines Parker confirms that no one goes through life unscathed! Rabbi Harold Kushner has written several books on this theme. In Overcoming Life's Disappointments, Rabbi Kushner comments that "It may be that instead of giving us a friendly world that would never challenge us and therefore never make us strong, God gave us a world that would inevitably break our hearts, and compensated for that by planting in our souls the gift of resilience." I like that explanation!

Here is Woody Allen's description of what it means to love: "To love is to suffer. To avoid suffering one must not love. But then one suffers from not loving. Therefore to love it to suffer, not to love is to suffer. To suffer is to suffer. To be happy is to love. To be happy then is to suffer. But suffering makes one unhappy. Therefore, to be unhappy one must love, or love to suffer, or suffer from too much happiness. I hope you're getting this down."

See how confusing this all becomes! You can see why Dorothy Parker had to lament about life and love!

Mea Culpa! Mea Maxima Culpa!

One of the DUMBEST SAYINGS I have EVER HEARD is the line "Love means you never have to say you're sorry!" The quote originated from the movie "Love Story;" a blockbuster from my teen days. In the 70's all young girls devoured the Erich Segal book and adored the movie starring Ali McGraw and Ryan O'Neal (two heartthrobs back in the day). The chick flick was a "bring your Kleenex" movie for our generation complete with the handsome boy, gorgeous girl, wealth, Ivy league settings, and DRAMA!

But as enamored as I was with the book, the movie and charmed by the stunning beauty of Ali McGraw and Ryan O'Neal, EVEN I (under the spell-of-it-all) thought it was TOTALLY LAME when the byline was said first by Jenny (played by McGraw) and later on by Oliver (played by O'Neal). I can honestly remembered thinking: "What in the heck does that mean? Love Means you Never Have To Say You're Sorry?! Really? Huh? Guess I am JUST TOO YOUNG to understand the nuances of LOVE!" HA! Turns out that my goofy young self was actually smarter than I gave myself credit for!

IN FACT, it turns out that LOVE is ALL ABOUT saying you are sorry! Often! When we really love people we are willing to concede that we make mistakes, that we blow it big time, that we hurt them, that apologies are important, yadda, yadda! When when we LOVE OTHERS we say we are sorry because even though it is a HARD THING to do we LOVE THEM!

Sadly, it has taken me YEARS & YEARS to recognize that I often give Half Hearted Apologies. I'm a PRO at the "I'm-Sorry-BUT-Apology!" I have it perfected to an art! This is when I AM genuinely sorry EXCEPT I happen to have a very good, a very legitimate explanation for my reasoning, my behavior, my whatever! So the Mea Culpa only begins with "I'm Sorry" and then continues with my ranting diatribe of skewed justification!

Apparently John Lennon transposed the quote and said: "Love means having to say you're sorry every fifteen minutes" which sounds excessive until you remember that his spouse was the domineering Yoko Ono (then his version makes total sense!).

I've find that sincere apologies are actually EMPOWERING! When I've occasionally been BIG ENOUGH to man up and take responsibility I've learned that feeling conciliatory about my actions usually starts me on a better path anyway!

Since I mostly blog about quotes I LOVE; I just threw in a STUPID quote today to shake things up a bit! And "I'm Sorry" to anyone who actually LIKES the Love Story Quote!