A Laid-Back Weekend...

       Laid Back (the noun) is the name of a Danish pop group (see album cover at left).  Laid-back (the adjective) is not a word anyone would use to describe my husband.  Probably not even me, although comparatively I am definitely more laid-back than Brent will ever be.
       But General Conference weekend is a treat because we both get to enjoy a more relaxed (think laid-back) weekend than usual.  Yesterday after listening to the morning and afternoon sessions almost back-to-back I wondered how I could possibly feel tired after staring at the TV for 4 hours?  I seriously considered taking a nap although that seemed a little wimpy.  I guess being a couch potato is more taxing that I thought!
       But Saturday conference was great and I'm looking forward to another laid-back day of watching the second half today.  There is something nice about getting to stay home from church twice a year.  It's 8 hours to take in all 4 sessions (I guess nearly 10 for men who attend Priesthood) so it's not exactly a week off.  But it's a break from the typical dress-up Sunday church.  
       Elder Perry, who recently turned 90 years old, gave us ideas to develop strong family cultures.  Then, Elder Ballard referred to Elder Perry as the youngest 90 year-old in the church and I think he nailed it.  L. Tom Perry is spry, energetic and looks better (or should I say more laid-back :) than a lot of folks in their 70's.  

Everything Coming Out Equal...

       “Don’t try to make life a mathematics problem with yourself in the center and everything coming out equal.
       When you're good, bad things can still happen.  And if you're bad, you can still be lucky."  -Barbara Kingsolver, The Poisonwood Bible

      

       Kingsolver's quote reminds me of the bestseller book by Rabbi Harold Kushner “Why Bad Things Happen to Good People.” It's just a given that in life everyone will have challenges; no one gets through unscathed.  And, trying to see if everything adds up, makes sense, or comes out evenly is just an exercise in futility. 

       Although, relative to "everything coming out equal,"  I'm reminded of childhood when my oldest sister always wanted to distribute any food treat we (the kids) might be sharing. So my Mom instituted a policy that whoever sliced the (let's say) pie into portions had the last pick.  It was amazing how even those slices came out when Lisa knew her turn after dividing came last. 

We don't really run the show....

       "I also think that kids are the best teachers of life's most profound spiritual lessons:
       that pain and suffering are as much a part of life as happiness and joy;
       that change and impermanence are all we can count on for sure; 
       that we don't really run the show; 
       and that if we can't find the maturity to surrender to these difficult truths, we'll always be unhappy that our lives aren't turning out the way we expected or planned.  
       Life doesn't go the way we expect or plan, and nobody's perfect, not ourselves or our children."  -Harriet Lerner 

The 3 Filter Test...

       The Three Filter Test is often attributed to Socrates but there are lots of versions and I’m not sure where it actually originated.  Plus, from the versions I know, I've adapted or edited it to my own liking anyway. 
       Basically I like to think in terms of applying the 3 Filter Test when I want to share any information but it’s especially appropriate if you are considering sharing what could be termed as gossip.  
       The 1st test:  Is it true?  Is the information I’m spreading factual? Or, if I don’t know, maybe I should find out. 
       The 2nd test:  Is it helpful?  Sometimes this filter is written as “Is it useful?” or “It is necessary?” but personally I like the standard of considering whether what I’m passing along is helpful to anyone.  Otherwise, why bother?
       The 3rd test:  Is it kind:? I like this filter the most because gossip usually doesn’t pass muster on this one, which is exactly why I tend to want to share it, but know I shouldn't.  
       I certainly fail miserably at the 3 Filter Test way too often.  But, when I actually think of these questions and refrain from sharing something that doesn’t meet all 3 criteria, I'm usually grateful I kept my mouth shut!  Try it out!  

Ch...ch...ch...changes.....

       “When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves.”  -Victor Frankl
       I’ve been thinking about change and how much courage it takes me to redirect.  I’ve heard it said that the most successful people are the ones who are good at Plan B.  Which makes a lot of sense.  Few of us have lives that follow a smooth trajectory and most of us need to improvise along the way, so adaptation is a important skill.  
       In many respects, our ability to change and make course corrections in life takes the stamina and grit shown in Walter Mitty’s classic children’s book: The Little Engine That Could.  The little blue engine implores the steady I-Think-I-Can, I-Think-I-Can mantra as it pulls the train over the mountain.  The chant is more than a great motto; it’s generally true that our optimism can make all the difference.   
“The truth is that our finest moments are most likely to occur when we are feeling deeply uncomfortable, unhappy, or unfulfilled.  For it is only in such moments, propelled by our discomfort, that we are likely to step out of our ruts and start searching for different ways or truer answers.”  - M. Scott Peck

Experience!

 “Experience is what you get when you didn’t get what you wanted.  And experience is often the most valuable thing you have to offer.”  -Randy Pausch, The Last Lecture
      Experience can be the toughest teacher of all.  I’d certainly prefer to learn the hard stuff from the experience of others.  And sometimes I get to.  But, other times I get to learn from my own life experiences, sometimes even from times I fail.  
       When I’m going through a difficult experience it helps to remember that “this too shall pass.”  And, best of all, to continually remind myself:  what can I learn from this?   
       “Sorrow comes in great waves...but it rolls over us, and though it may almost smother us it leaves us on the spot and we know that if it is strong, we are stronger, inasmuch as it passes and we remain.”  -Henry James

Hot off the Press...

“The theories that enable us to envision what the future holds in store for companies, can help us see the predictable results that come from choices and priorities we might make in our personal lives.” -from How Will You Measure Your Life, Clayton Christensen


     One great thing about Amazon prime shipping is to receive a new release on the day the book comes out.  Hence, on Tuesday, May 15th, my pre-ordered copy of Clayton Christensen’s new book, How Will You Measure Your Life?, arrived on my doorstep.  
     As I expected, it’s a wonderful book.  It’s an expanded version of the classic talk Christensen gave at the Harvard Business School that went viral in 2010.  Theories of business models are explained, then shown how they can apply to evaluating choices we make in our home and family life.
     I’m predicting a bestseller in the same vein as Covey’s Seven Habits book.  The business models, both the success stories and the failures, give good insight into understanding some of the thought processes that go into our decisions, which are often well-meaning but incorrect.  The applications for being a good parent and spouse are spot-on!  


“The path to happiness is about finding someone who you want to make happy, someone whose happiness is worth devoting yourself to.” -from How Will You Measure Your Life?, Clayton Christensen

Lacking Inspiration...

Bad Day by Kay Ryan

Not every day

Is a good day

for the elfin tailor.

Some days

the stolen cloth

reveals what it

was made for:

a handsome weskit

or the jerkin

of an elfin sailor.

Other days

the tailor

sees a jacket

in his mind

and sets about

to find the fabric.

But some days

neither the idea

nor the material

presents itself;

and these are

the hard days

for the tailor elf.

Yesterday I was struggling with one of my papers due for finals week and I remembered Kay Ryan’s poem. Ryan was the US Poet Laureate from 2008-2010.

Anyway, some days neither the ideas or material seems to come, I guess for tailors and writers alike! Hope the writing process goes a little better for me today; major paper due this Thursday!

Trust Your Struggle...

“Allowing the truth of who you are - your spiritual self - to rule your life means you stop the struggle and learn to move with the flow of your life.” -Oprah Winfrey

Lately this "Trust Your Struggle" phrase has been showing up on lots of graffiti art and tattoos.

It’s a good sentiment because while I would likely choose to never go through struggles, I have to admit that I do learn a lot from them. Sometimes all I learn is that I am strong enough to get through them; although that isn’t a bad take home lesson in itself. And, sometimes I learn more profound wisdom too. Especially when I look back!

Whatever challenges I face in life, I need to take heart that they may be tailor-made; customized with exactly what I need to learn .

Actually, Helen Keller says it better than I do, so I’ll just wrap this up by quoting her below:

“Character cannot be developed in ease and quiet. Only through experiences of trial and suffering can the soul be strengthened, ambition inspired, and success achieved.”

Tessting 1, 2, 3...

"The difference between school and life?

In school, you're taught a lesson and then given a test.

In life, you're given a test that teaches you a lesson.”

So true! One of the tricky things for me is making sure I don’t miss the lesson. It isn’t that I’m a complete fool, but the lessons aren’t always obvious.

In school I had a test yesterday (for real) and I don’t know my final score but I already know of one problem I missed because I over thought the multiple choice options. But over thinking isn’t usually a problem in life. In fact, too many of us don’t think along the way and then we’re surprised when we end up repeating our same mistakes over and over again.

So, here is my take home lesson for the day. In school: learn my material and don’t overanalyze the tests! In life: Constantly analyze so I can continually learn from the tests!

The Thick of Thin Things....

"We become so caught up in the busyness of our lives. Were we to step back, however, and take a good look at what we're doing, we may find that we have immersed ourselves in the "thick of thin things." In other words, too often, we spend most of our time taking care of the things which do not really matter much at all in the grand scheme of things, neglecting those more important causes." Thomas S. Monson, November 2009 Ensign

I like this quote! It’s just a good reminder to be mindful of what we are immersing ourselves in on a daily basis. It’s pretty easy to get caught up in the things that don’t matter at the expense of things that really do.

Even the scriptures caution us that we’re losing the spirit in our lives when important things become unimportant and trivial things are suddenly of great importance to us.

It’s a nice combination to have it in scripture but also reiterated by our prophet. I’m grateful for both!

Life is Good!

When J. K. Rowling spoke at Harvard's Commencement in 2008, her parting words were from the Roman philosopher Seneca:

"As is a tale, so is life:

not how long it is,

but how good it is,

is what matters."

I ditto Rowling’s endorsement of Seneca’s wisdom. One of the first quotes I ever memorized was the simple “A day is as good as you make it” verse. My mom taught me the line and eventually made me do a needlepoint “A Day is as Good as you Make It” that is still up in her kitchen, forty(ish) years later.

So, yes, I’m a big believer in the the Viktor Frankl (Man’s Search for Meaning) line of thought that goes like this: “The last of human freedoms - the ability to choose one’s attitude in a given set of circumstances.”

We really do have control over our days and whether they are good or not so good. We can choose our attitude even in the darkest of days.

The Good Life...

I’m working on a paper on Carl Rogers, one of the most influential American psychologists. It’s funny to learn that Rogers lived in La Jolla and passed away in 1987, while we were also living in La Jolla, but I don’t remember ever reading about his death. I guess I was too obsessed with the other famous neighbor that lived in La Jolla, none other than Dr. Seuss himself!

Actually Carl Rogers and Dr. Seuss probably knew each other. It was probably me that wasn't in the loop, or the in-crowd with high society La Jolla. But, soon enough, I’ll be an expert on Dr. Rogers too (in addition to my wealth of Seussian knowledge).

“I believe it will become evident why, for me, adjectives such as happy, contented, blissful, enjoyable, do not seem quite appropriate to any general description of this process I have called the good life, even though the person in this process would experience each one of these at the appropriate times.

But adjectives which seem more generally fitting are adjectives such as enriching, exciting, rewarding, challenging, meaningful.

This process of the good life is not, I am convinced, a life for the faint-hearted. It involves the stretching and growing of becoming more and more of one’s potentialities. It involves the courage to be.

It means launching oneself fully into the stream of life. Yet the deeply exciting things about human beings is that when the individual is inwardly free, he chooses as the good life this process of becoming. -Carl Rogers, On Becoming a Person

A late blooming risk taker...

"And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom." -Anais Nin

I'm generally risk adverse. I don't write that with pride because I’ve definitely missed opportunities along the way due to fears of failure or inadequacy.

However, I'm finally reaching a ripe old age that I don't care as much if I flop. So, perhaps I'm actually figuring out how to "chalk it up for experience" and worry less about getting it perfect.

When I graduated with my bachelors degree I always assumed I'd continue schooling at some point. But, "some point” became a moving target.

Whenever life started to feel settled, something would come along and I'd put graduate school plans on the back burner. Initially it was pregnancy (Andie was a wonderful surprise, just earlier than expected). Sometimes, it was moves; east to west coast, southern cal to the pacific northwest, and finally bay area bound. Sometimes it was church callings or commitments that felt almost like full time volunteer work.

Needless to say, the timing finally felt right to return to school. And I’m grateful to be back. I really enjoy it, even if I am an extremely late bloomer.

I'm Pretty Much Always Happy; Except When I'm Not.

"Life's Been Good to Me So Far." -rocker Joe Walsh from the Eagles

I’ve had a great life! Not that I'm expecting life to end anytime soon(knock on wood). But every now and then it's probably good to step back and take stock. And for the majority of my days on earth I’ve been content and I’ve felt extraordinarily blessed!

One funny thing (ironic funny more than haha) about the picture to the left is that my life has been pretty "average" yet it has also been "memorable." Maybe not memorable in celebrity status or drama or major accomplishments but memorable for me.

I guess I don't necessarily see "average" and "memorable" as different paths. But I do understand the context they are trying to show in the picture. Lately, I just feel very blessed to be back in school and learning. It feels good (even if it’s a little overwhelming). And while I’m just another average student in the class, the classes are still memorable. Life’s good!

The Grass is Always Greener...

The Grass is Always Greener! Or, The Hair is Always Thicker!

We’ve had a little “the grass is always greener” situation here on the home front and to make sure we don’t miss out on the lesson, I’ll recap the story, with permission from the main character. The title of the story is “Hair Extensions Gone Awry!”

Andie’s hair has never been thick and it’s never gotten particularly long. But when Andie toyed with the idea of hair extensions I thought it sounded ridiculous. But who listens to me?

Seriously, though, Andie’s a beautiful girl and I think the whole concept of expensive hair extensions is lame. My apologies if you’re reading this and you have hair extensions. I’m sure yours are lovely.

But, my logic didn’t sway Andie and I guess my vote didn’t carry as much weight as the stylist. So, on went the hair extensions and the result was not what Andie had expected. Although you couldn’t argue with the fact that her hair was suddenly long (very long) and she suddenly had lots of it. But it looked more like a wig for a Halloween costume than anything natural. Oops!

Suddenly the only thing Andie wanted, desperately more than anything else, was her own head of hair back. And, after one trip to the salon to see if cutting the extensions shorter would redeem the look, she was convinced that the hair extensions had to go. Which was no small feat to remove them either. After Brent and I tried unsuccessfully (cosmetologists we aren’t), Andie had to have them professionally removed.

So, it was quite a fiasco and an expensive way to learn that sometimes when the grass/hair looks greener/fuller on the other side, it just wouldn’t really look good on us.

Andie has a newfound appreciation of her own hair now. And, I doubt she’ll have any desire to try hair extensions ever again!

So, the moral of the story (besides not getting hair extensions) is to be happy with who you are! Be yourself! And, of course, ...always listen to your mother!

Far be it that I should repine...

It is what it is. If you think about it, that’s a pretty good line. I can think of lots of life experiences where giving utterance to those 5 simple words could really help my acceptance of things.

Typically I want to change things that aren’t to my liking, but there are a lot of things I don’t have the power to change or fix or solve. Ultimately, when I get dealt a bum card, I might just have to suck it up!

The poet, Anne Bradstreet, lost a huge collection of books when her home burned down. Her loss inspired a poem, simply titled: "Upon the Burning of Our House July 10th, 1666." Instead of choosing grief or anger because of her tragedy, Bradstreet chooses instead to look toward God.

"And when I could no longer look,

I blest His grace that gave and took,

That laid my goods now in the dust.

Yea, so it was, and so 'twas just.

It was his own; it was not mine.

Far be it that I should repine.” -Anne Bradstreet

I Think, Therefore I Am!

"How few would believe that from sources purely imaginary such happiness could be derived! ...What a treasure is thought! What a privilege is reverie! I am thankful I have the power of solacing myself with the dream of creations ... May I never lose that power, may I never feel it grow weaker." - from the diaries of Charlotte Bronte

One casualty of a busy lifestyle might be that we don't leave time to simply be thoughtful! Even as someone who loves time to think and wind down, I find it’s easy to overschedule and not leave windows where I can enjoy peace and solitude.

In fact, sometimes silence makes people uncomfortable. When I’m running with friends the chatter is fine (and often a nice distraction) but I don’t mind long stretches of quiet on the trail either. Although it makes some runners nervous if every space isn’t filled with noise.

Like Charlotte Bronte, I treasure thought. I’m more recharged by quiet, which probably speaks to my introversion. The good part of enjoying solitude is that even if I’m home alone, I never feel lonely!

“The happiest of all lives is a busy solitude.” -Voltaire

Life Lessons...

"If you can think of times in your life that you've treated people with extraordinary decency and love, and pure uninterested concern, just because they were valuable as human beings. The ability to do that with ourselves. To treat ourselves the way we would treat a really good, precious friend. Or a tiny child of ours that we absolutely loved more than life itself. And I think it's probably possible to achieve that. I think part of the job we're here for is to learn how to do it. I know that sounds a little pious." -David Foster Wallace

This quote actually comes from a transcript from David Foster Wallace talking with journalist Dave Lipsky on a road trip years ago. It’s kind of sad to read the quote when you know that Foster Wallace ended up taking his on life in 2008.

David Foster Wallace was a gifted writer but struggled with depression. It’s a shame that he wasn’t able to treat himself with greater compassion. Some of the writing he left behind is extraordinary; he’s almost got a cult-like following. I just happen to like this quote a lot (as well as several others by Wallace).

Riveted in our Seats...

Riveted by Robyn Sarah

It is possible that things will not get better

than they are now, or have been known to be.

It is possible that we are past the middle now.

It is possible that we have crossed the great water

without knowing it, and stand now on the other side.

Yes: I think that we have crossed it. Now

we are being given tickets, and they are not

tickets to the show we had been thinking of

but to a different show, clearly inferior.

Check again: it is our own name on the envelope.

The tickets are to that other show.

It is possible that we will walk out of the darkened hall

without waiting for the last act: people do.

Some people do. But it is probable

that we will stay seated in our narrow seats

all through the tedious denouement

to the unsurprising end - riveted, as it were;

spellbound by our own imperfect lives

because they are lives,

and because they are ours.