The 3 Filter Test...

       The Three Filter Test is often attributed to Socrates but there are lots of versions and I’m not sure where it actually originated.  Plus, from the versions I know, I've adapted or edited it to my own liking anyway. 
       Basically I like to think in terms of applying the 3 Filter Test when I want to share any information but it’s especially appropriate if you are considering sharing what could be termed as gossip.  
       The 1st test:  Is it true?  Is the information I’m spreading factual? Or, if I don’t know, maybe I should find out. 
       The 2nd test:  Is it helpful?  Sometimes this filter is written as “Is it useful?” or “It is necessary?” but personally I like the standard of considering whether what I’m passing along is helpful to anyone.  Otherwise, why bother?
       The 3rd test:  Is it kind:? I like this filter the most because gossip usually doesn’t pass muster on this one, which is exactly why I tend to want to share it, but know I shouldn't.  
       I certainly fail miserably at the 3 Filter Test way too often.  But, when I actually think of these questions and refrain from sharing something that doesn’t meet all 3 criteria, I'm usually grateful I kept my mouth shut!  Try it out!  

Sell Everything & Buy Wisdom...

“To acquire knowledge, one must study; but to acquire wisdom, one must observe." -Marilyn Vos Savant
     
     We are a funny breed!  We learn the most (by far) from observing and listening but there still seems to be a prevailing notion that wisdom is acquired from talking.  I catch myself all the time.
     Whenever I wish I was a better listener I have to stop and remember that skills are perfected with practice.  And to  hone the art of good listening requires mastery of an every harder skill (for me at least): keeping quiet.  Sometimes it’s hard to resist throwing in my two cents worth so showing restraint, even when I might have a worthwhile comment, is good practice.

"Wisdom is the reward you get for a lifetime of listening when you’d have preferred to talk.” -Doug Larson

The formation of character is a lifelong process...

“The formation of character is a lifelong process.” -Nitin Nohria

Nitin Nohria is the new dean of Harvard Business School and he has caught my attention. He taught leadership for many years at HBS before becoming dean in 2010.

Nohria is very focused on making sure the graduates leave Harvard with an understanding of business ethics. He believes there is a big difference between people knowing their responsibilities as leaders and their capacity to live up to them when they are faced with temptation or pressure.

Reporters from the Wall Street Journal published some interview questions from a recent lunch outing they had with Nohria. I loved a quote on character building and power at the end of that article:

“Abraham Lincoln said that people think that the real test of a person’s character is how they deal with adversity. A much better measure of a person’s character is to give them power.

I’ve been more often disappointed with how people’s character is revealed when they’ve been given power.

I have learned that in very modest ways even as having become dean. How I inhabit this new sense of self and learn to stay grounded is going to be as important to the formation of my character as anything I’ve learned from my parents.” -Nitin Nohria

Looking at things from a different perspective...

"The abbot of a once famous Buddhist monastery that had fallen into decline was deeply troubled. Monks were lax in their practice, novices were leaving and lay supporters deserting to other centers.

The abbot traveled far to a sage and recounted his tale of woe, of how much he desired to transform his monastery to the flourishing haven it had been in days of yore. The sage looked him in the eye and said, "The reason your monastery has languished is that the Buddha is living among you in disguise, and you have not honored Him."

The abbot hurried back, his mind in turmoil. The Selfless One was at his monastery! Who could He be? Brother Hua? ...No, he was full of sloth. Brother Po?...No, he was too dull.

But then the Tathagata was in disguise. What better disguise than sloth or dull-wittedness? He called his monks to him and revealed the sage's words. They, too, were taken aback and looked at each other with suspicion and awe. Which one of them was the Chosen One? The disguise was perfect.

Not knowing who He was the monks took to treating everyone with the respect due to a Buddha. Their faces started shining with an inner radiance that attracted novices and then lay supporters. In no time at all the monastery far surpassed its previous glory.” -parable author unknown

The Story of Kate. . .

"Yes. I do have a lot of pain. But I try to cover it up with love." -Kate Finlayson

Peter Finlayson shared the quote above at the memorial service for his 26 year old little sister Kathryn Finlayson. Kate's comment was in response to her family asking about her pain during the health decline during these last 18 months of Kate's life. Managing the excruciating pain was an ongoing challenge.

It's exactly the kind of statement you'd expect from Kate. She was all about love! "Kate" and "Love" seem to go hand in hand. Kate's service yesterday in Danville was packed. People came from every stage of the Finlayson family's life (Stanford, Boston, Washington, D. C., Japan, Phoenix). Kate has inspired people all over the world!

Despite Kate's adversity with health challenges she was kind, she was loving, and apparently, she never complained.

For me, Kate will always be "Baby Kate"; the most beautiful one and and half pound baby I'd ever seen. When baby Kate arrived 4 months early every day brought medical miracles. Kate showed her fighting spirit from her 1st breath.

Looking back on those days it occurs to me now that Grant and Pam (all of us) were just kids. Kids having kids! But there was something about Pam, even that young, that took a mother's devotion to a new level. Pam was extraordinary. It's hard to convey the respect and admiration I had for Pam during our mutual Boston years. Pam's friendship was/is a treasured gift.

The entire Finlayson family is exemplary. Kate's perseverance, Pam's devotion, Grant's patience, and the tender hearted brothers, Peter and Sam. They're all impressive on every front.

Kate's funeral service touched my heart. Her mortal journey was shorter than most but her impact on others was great. Since we all experience various forms of pain, imagine a world where we all tried to cover up our pain with love. Like Kate did. The thought alone brightens my day.

So, that's just a tiny glimpse of The Story of Kate! Sweet Baby Kate!

Appearance versus Reality...

For the record, and for the most part, I disagree with the quote at left! While it is important to be your very best self I think our culture puts way too much emphasis on appearance and what is considered attractive.

I think societies that spend all their energy focused on the outer package and too little on what's inside end up with people who are very superficial. I suppose I could interpret the slogan differently; "desirable" meant in purely a wholesome sense perhaps. But it's tit for tat, and I could get into semantics but I simply prefer authenticity to people who brand, market & package themselves by focusing exclusively on appearance.

There is another saying: "I've never seen a smiling face that isn't beautiful!" Now, there is a quote that I like! How about looking desirable because you have a countenance that radiates?

Or, think about the insight behind the following quote: "That which is striking and beautiful is not always good, but that which is good is always beautiful." -Ninon de L'Enclos

And, finally, an old classic, a saying that Andie and I have come to call the "Kathy Pulley Quote," mostly since it's one of Kathy's favorites: "You'll Worry Less About What People Think About You When You Realize How Seldom They Do." -David Foster Wallace, Infinite Jest

Compartmentalization...

"Danger lurks when we divide ourselves with expressions such as "my private life," "my professional life," or even "my best behavior." Living life in separate compartments can lead to internal conflict and exhausting tension...Inner peace comes only as we maintain the integrity of truth in all aspects of our lives. When we covenant to follow the Lord and obey his commandments, we accept his standards in every thought, action, and deed." -Russell M. Nelson, Ensign, November 2000

Elder Nelson's quote puts to words how I often feel when a politician is unfaithful to his wife but still expects his constituency to trust him. If people are dishonest in one aspect of their life I tend to think their character is compromised generally.

People who don't live their lives in separate compartments lead lives of greater integrity. I'm a big fan of the virtue of integrity! To me, it's all encompassing; more than simple honesty. Integrity implies a consistency of character.

I know that I totally fall short of the mark but consciously striving to live with integrity almost guarantees that I'm going to come closer than if integrity is a principle I don't give much thought to. Just a thought.

No Complaints....

Did you know there are people who view getting towed by Triple AAA as an adventure?

I've seen some great examples this past week of maintaining a good attitude through difficult times.

Generally speaking when "times get tough" many people whine, complain, point fingers, and blame. And I'm just as bad as the next guy!

It's unusual for people to be able to automatically look for the silver lining when dark clouds envelop them. People who can pull this off are people worth taking notice of!

Here are 2 examples: When Jennifer Bryan was driving her kids back from Los Angeles her van broke down in the middle of nowhere. Obviously she wasn't delighted; John hadn't come on the trip so Jennifer was the lone adult with 4 hungry kids and they were stranded!

But, Jennifer took it pretty much in stride and convinced her kids that it was an adventure. Finally getting the van towed into a tiny town they enjoyed Mexican popsicles while they learned more about specialty farming in that community, especially growing watermelons. Jennifer noted she'd never deliberately seek out an afternoon waiting around in a remote place so it became a unique experience.

And so they waited...until the van was repaired just enough to get safely home. But Jennifer had no complaints. Instead she expressed gratitude for cell phones (without which she would have really been in a jam) and seemed genuinely surprised by how enlightening the afternoon had actually turned out!

A second example I read about in an Ensign article by Larry Richman. He shared the story of a young mother in his stake who remained cheerful and optimistic while she endured a 4 year battle with cancer.

This young mother wrote her own obituary. One part of it read: "At the young age of 29, I was introduced to something called cancer. Cancer was my great adversary, but I have learned that in this life our enemies can become our choicest friends; the secret is in learning what to do with the conflict."

When I see other people use adversity to make them better people I'm humbled. I realize how much I can learn both from others and also from adversity. Another quote I'm using today in my Seminary lesson to the youth (I'm not sure who penned it) is: "There is nothing worse than living through the trial, but missing the learning."

I should more actively look for the lessons I might receive during (or after) trials! I should also learn to voice less complaints and more compliments! Although I doubt I'll ever be anything but perturbed and frustrated when I need to call Triple AAA!

The Man in the Glass...

Grammy has always loved the poem below. The picture is a Picasso titled Girl Before a Mirror. I think it was Paige who committed this poem to memory for my birthday a couple of years ago.

The Man in the Glass

When you get what you want in your struggle for self

And the world makes you king for a day,

Just go to the mirror and look at yourself

And see what that man has to say.

For it isn't your father or mother or wife

Whose judgement upon you must pass.

The fellow whose verdict counts most in your life

Is the one staring back from the glass.

You may be like Jack Horner and chisel a plum

And think you're a wonderful guy.

But the man in the glass says you're only a bum

If you can't look him straight in the eye.

He's the fellow to please never mind all the rest,

For he's with you clear to the end.

And you've passed your most dangerous, difficult test

If the man in the glass is your friend.

You may fool the whole world down the pathway of years

And get pats on the back as you pass.

But your final reward will be heartache and tears

If you've cheated the man in the glass.

-Anonymous

Greatest Coach of All Time!

"Be more concerned with your character than your reputation, because your character is what you really are, while your reputation is merely what others think you are." -John Wooden

When it comes to basketball I'm a "John" girl (with the Beatles I'm a "Paul" girl but that's another post)! Two of my all-time favorites in the basketball world are John Stockton and John Wooden.

John Wooden died last week, 5 months shy of his 100th birthday! What a classy guy! And awesome Coach! I hope he will be remembered because he leaves a wonderful legacy!

During the John Wooden Era at UCLA (10 national NCAA titles - best record ever), he passed up an offer to coach the LA Lakers that would have increased his salary tenfold. In later years the joke was told that he made more money from one speaking engagement than he made during an entire UCLA basketball season! He never asked for a raise!

At his grammer school graduation, John Wooden's father gave him a Seven Point Creed to live by. From all of I know of Coach Wooden, I'd say he put it to good practice! The 7 points are:

1. Be True to Yourself.

2. Make Each Day Your Masterpiece.

3. Help Others.

4. Drink Deeply from Good Books, especially the Bible.

5. Make Friendship a Fine Art.

6. Build a Shelter against a Rainy Day.

7. Pray for Guidance and Give Thanks for your Blessings Every Day.

Coach Wooden understood that sports are not the end-all-be-all! He said: "I have always tried to make it clear that basketball is not the ultimate. It is of small importance in comparison to the total life we live. There is only one kind of life that truly wins, and that is the one that places faith in the hands of the Savior."

John Wooden's faith was important; I believe you could see it in his countenance. He once said: "If I were ever prosecuted for my religion, I truly hope there would be enough evidence to convict me." What a guy!

Practice, Practice, Practice!

"For 42 years, I've been making small, regular deposits in this bank of experience, education, and training. And on January 15th, the balance was sufficient so that I could make a large sudden withdrawl. -Captain Chesley "Sully" Sullenberger

This quote comes from a Katie Couric interview with Captain Sully, after he successfully landed his US Airways plane on the Hudson River after birds knocked out both engines.

Captain Sully saved the lives of 155 passengers. It's a heroic story but it is also a great tale about experience and hard work.

Many things that appear to happen effortless are often the result of lots of practice and effort! Kind of like the old joke about the way to get to Carnegie Hall is to practice, practice, practice!

I just finished reading the book, Highest Duty; My Search for What Really Matters, by Captain Chesley Sullenberger. It's a touching book. On January 14th, 2009, "Sully" is just a regular guy; a husband and father who happens to be a pilot for US Airways. But the circumstances of January 15th, 2009 change everything! But, despite all the fanfare, the accolades and invitations to speak, Chesley Sullenberger is still at heart, just a guy who loves his family and loves to fly!

There is a great quote near the end of the book by this heroic pilot:

"I flew thousands of flights in the last forty two years, but my entire career is now being judged by how I performed on one of them. This has been a reminder to me: We need to try to do the right thing every time, to perform at our best, because we never know which moment in our lives we'll be judged on." -Chesley Sullenberger

8 Cow Character...

I blogged about being an 8 Car Wife awhile back but this time I'm writing about a new book that takes the Johnny Lingo story with a clever twist. The book isn't about getting an 8 cow wife but focused more on being the "8 Cow Spouse."

The writers came up with 8 traits that are important in a relationship:

Trust (the Confident Cow),

Passion for Life (Fire Cow),

Wit and Wisdom (Clever Cow),

Financial Responsibility (Cash Cow),

Spirituality (Holy Cow),

Uniqueness (Wow Cow),

Romance and Intimacy (Cuddle Cow), &

Kindness (Considerate Cow).

And, while we work on developing those 8 attributes, there is one cow we need to avoid: the Mad Cow! This represents addictions and other destructive behavior.

Finally, the authors came up with an acronym for helping us gain these admirable character traits. It's Conscience Over Will (COW!). When people consistently choose their conscience over their desire, it leads to strength of character.

The book looks a little cheesy but it's kind of a fun approach to learning some traits that are genuinely important in relationships. And the cow metaphor should make it easier to remember the 8 kinds of character we want to hone to be worthy of an 8 cow spouse!

The Golden Rule and Variations on that Theme!

Christianity: All things whatsoever ye would that men should do to you, do ye even so to them. (Matthew 7:12)

Judaism: What is hateful to you, do not to your fellowmen. That is the entire Law; all the rest is commentary. (Talmud Shabbat 31:a)

Islam: No one of you is a believer until he desires for his brother that which he desires for himself. (Sunnah)

Buddhism: Hurt not others in ways that you yourself would find hurtful. (Udana Varga 5:18)

Confucianism: Surely it is the maxim of loving-kindness: Do not unto others that you would not have them do unto you. (Analects 15:23)

Taoism: Regard your neighbor's gain as your gain, and your neighbor's loss as your own loss. (T'ai Shag Kan Ying P'ien)

Zoroastrianism: That nature alone is good which refrains from doing unto another whatsoever is not good: for itself. (Dadistan-i-dinik 94:5)

Brahmanism: This is the sum of duty: Do naught unto others which would cause you pain if done to you. (Mahabharata 5:1517)

The Rock in My Shoe!

"Delay is the deadliest form of denial." -C. Northcote Parkinson

What kind of idiot keeps running when there is a rock in her shoe? Probably the same runner who won't stop to tie her shoelaces when they come undone.

If I get a small pebble lodged in my shoe, it can be terribly annoying but I usually keep trudging along. Not because I'm in a race. Not because I'm all that fast to begin with.

I probably kept going because I don't like to deal with things! I'm afraid my nature is inclined to ignore things. And, sometimes they actually do go away! All own their own! Some shoe rocks eventually work their way to my arch and wah-lah, I'm pain free once again. Temporarily at least.

With untied shoelaces, they just keep flapping. Again, a bother, just not irksome enough to break my stride (albeit a slow one).

Common sense tells me that it would behoove me to stop and fix the problem. Tie those laces! Get rid of the rock! I guess it's just a small example of how I sometimes undermine my own common sense!

At least it appears that I am in good company. Gwyneth Paltrow said: "I have a highly developed sense of denial." And the Calvin and Hobbes cartoonist, Bill Watterson claims that: "It's not denial. I'm just selective about the reality I accept." I'll ditto those comments!

Fully Charged Distractions!

Like every resource that has potential for good, technology can also be a problem! We've been counseled by church leaders to be careful how much time we spend online or in virtual realities, etc.!

Last week President Barack Obama also acknowledged that this "breathtaking change" information era can become a distraction!

Speaking at the Hampton University commencement President Obama said: "You are coming of age in a 24/7 media environment that bombards us with all kinds of content and exposes us to all kinds of arguments, some of which don't always rank all that high on the truth meter.

With iPods, and iPads, and Xboxes and PlayStations - none of which I know how to work - information becomes a distraction, a diversion, a form of entertainment - rather than a tool of empowerment, rather than a means of emancipation. It is putting new pressure on our country and on our democracy."

I was glad to see President Obama acknowledge the dangers of a culture where we are constantly bombarded with information overload! Some journalists were critical of his remarks (no surprise since he was dissing media diatribes). One journalist wrote that Obama's comments were: "weirdly out-of-touch for a president who fought to keep his BlackBerry."

Overabundance of information can bog us down and fill our minds with useless trivia. Technology toys can distract us to the extent that we never have any quiet time to feel or hear the spirit working in our lives. It's a valid concern. I was impressed that President Obama "gets it," he understands that the bombardment and exposure can have potentially harmful effects.

In the April General Conference, Elder Bradley Foster said: "A distraction doesn't need to be evil to be effective." So true!

Resilience: The Courage to Bounce Back!

"It may be that instead of giving us a friendly world that would never challenge us and therefore never make us strong, God gave us a world that would inevitably break our hearts, and compensated for that by planting in our souls the gift of resilience." -Rabbi Harold Kushner

Andie memorized a quote I love by Rabbi Harold Kushner. He's one of my favorites when it comes to topics of a spiritual nature.

I also love the psychology behind resilience or what I might call the fine art of coping! Figuring out how we can learn from negative experiences and turn them into a positive is a wonderful skill!

Rabbi Kushner readily admits that none of us are immune to trauma or to suffering. All of us will meet obstacles in life so coping mechanisms that help us bounce back are critical for our survival and well being!

His counsel isn't just grand oration either. The rabbi and his wife had to go through the painful discovery of learning their young son, Aaron, suffered from progeria (rapid aging). Doctors told them that Aaron would never grow much beyond three feet in height, would have no hair on his head, would look like a little old man, and would die in his early teens.

And Rabbi Kushner's son, Aaron, did die just two days after his fourteenth birthday. Much of Rabbi Kushner's interest in resilience was a response to the grieving process as they learned to cope with Aaron's disease and subsequent death.

I am buoyed up by the example of resilience in good men like Rabbi Kushner who find ways to let tragedy make them stronger and better people instead of bitter and unforgiving! Whenever I read about people with difficult trials it makes my challenges seem small, almost trivial, and definitely more bearable!

"The world breaks everyone and afterward many are strong at the broken places." -Ernest Hemingway, A Farewell to Arms

A Spirit of Contention....

"A man lives by believing something: not by debating and arguing about many things." -Thomas Carlyle

I love President Hinckley's book "Standing For Something." I have so much admiration for positive people who believe in things. Conversely, I get frustrated with people who live in a spirit of contention and spend their efforts knocking down others.

There is so much vitriol that gets tossed around with politics and religion lately. You just wish people could be more respectful generally and not denigrate one another for difference of opinion on so many issues. I think extremists on either end of a spectrum who are belligerent and contentious can be terribly annoying!

This all ties in nicely with one of our scripture mastery verses this year. Found in 3rd Nephi 11:29, Christ admonishes the Nephites: "For verily, verily, I say unto you, he that hath the spirit of contention is not of me, but is of the devil, who is the father of contention, and he stirreth up the hearts of men to contend with anger, one with another."

And, of course, the great illustration comes from none other than my favorite Doctor....Ted Geisel, aka Dr. Seuss!

It's a Sin To Kill A Mockingbird!

Atticus Finch! A favorite (albeit fictional) Hero! The first time I read To Kill A Mockingbird in junior high, it made me proud that just like Scout's father, my father was also a lawyer!

Our Bookgroup discussed the novel Tuesday night. While it wasn't exactly a rousing or spirited discussion, Harper Lee's book is a wonderful classic! And, as Lee's only novel, (albeit a Pulitzer Prize winning one) the book is definitely a one hit wonder!

Several passages this reading gave me insight to the "old book, new perspective" concept!

Imagine my surprise at the opening line in Chapter 10 when Scout states: "Atticus was feeble: he was nearly fifty." Excuse me? Feeble? (as in, lacking vigor, weak, inadequate) And only nearly fifty? Yikes, it makes me wonder how Scout would describe me; 51st birthday looming ahead!

Early in the novel Scout remarks on her frustrations with Atticus. Some of Scout's laments were that Atticus didn't "do anything that could possibly arouse the admiration of anyone." and "Besides that, he wore glasses." (the shame!) "He did not play poker or fish or drink or smoke. He sat in the living room and read." Perhaps, worst of all, on top of those flaws, Atticus "would not remain as inconspicuous as we wished him to."

But Scout came to see her father differently following some dramatic events. Near the end of the book, Scout remarked, "At the same time I marveled at Atticus. This was the first time he had let us know he knew a lot more about something than we thought he knew."

Scout's character reminds me of the famous Mark Twain quote: "When I was a boy of fourteen, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be twenty-one, I was astonished by how much he'd learned in seven years." (change the ages and years; dead ringer for Scout)

Just like Scout, I'm still learning along the way (yes, even in my feeble 50's!). One great concept I learn over and over (sometimes on a daily basis) is voiced by Atticus at the very end of the book. Scout is half asleep rambling to Atticus about someone everyone thought was bad but then Scout discovers, that actually, ..."he was real nice." To which Atticus wisely replies: "Most people are, Scout, when you finally see them."

"I Meant What I Said, and I Said What I Meant!"

"I meant what I said, and I said what I meant. An elephant's faithful one-hundred percent!" -Horton, from Dr. Seuss, Horton Hatches the Egg

Thinking about Spencer Bryan's proud commitment to his swim team took me back further than just Andie's swim team years. My Mom made me memorize Horton's famous "commitment" phrase - probably before I could even read!

Horton was a huge childhood hero to me! When Lazy Mayzie cons Horton into tending her egg, he is stays on that nest through rain, thunder, summer, winter, and endless taunting! Horton diligently maintains that post!

It's a classic tale of perseverence! Horton puts up with ridicule, loneliness and all kinds of miserable conditions! Fortunately, for Horton, it ends well!

But, in real life, sometimes we don't readily see the Hortons getting the rewards. Sometimes it feels like the lazy Mayzie birds have all the fun! But appearances can be deceiving! Because Horton can always be proud of who he is and in the long run, self respect goes a long way! It's an intrinsic reward that can't be measured!

Making commitments to good things is good! Sticking it out when the going gets tough is admirable! Besides a faithful elephant I've seen countless real life examples of people who stay committed to high standards! They are the enduring heroes we can always count on; the steadfast!

In a fickle world where people abandon values on a whim, I applaud the faithful Hortons!

Honesty is the best policy....

The Honest Disciple (a Jewish folktale)

Once a rabbi decided to test the honesty of his disciples, so he called them together and posed a question.

"What would you do if you were walking along and found a purse full of money lying in the road?" he asked.

"I'd return it to its owner," said one disciple.

"His answer comes so quickly, I must wonder if he really means it," the rabbi thought.

"I'd keep the money if nobody saw me find it," said another.

"He has a frank tongue, but a wicked heart," the rabbi told himself.

"Well, Rabbi," said a third disciple, "to be honest, I believe I'd be tempted to keep it. So I would pray to God that He give me the strength to resist such temptation and do the right thing."

"Aha!" thought the rabbi. "Here is the man I would trust."

"No legacy is so rich as honesty." - William Shakespeare, All's Well That Ends Well